China to loan two pandas to Singapore for 10-year period

November 12, 2009

phpTTNUMS [The State’s Times]

SINGAPORE : China will be loaning two baby pandas to Singapore for a 10-year period, as part of China’s recognition of Singapore’s open and unconditional affections for the mainland. Senior Chinese spokesman, Ling Dingdong, said, “In view of Singapore’s long-term commitment towards blowing sunshine up where the sun doesn’t usually shine, the PRC has decided to bestow this honour on the city-state”.

According to Wildlife Reserves, Singapore will be the 7th country to get these animals on loan – after the US, Japan, Austria, Australia, Spain and Thailand. Members of the Singapore Democratic Party gathered in Speakers Corner to protest the fact that 7th was not good enough for the highest paid ministers in the world. Local animal welfare group, ACRES, also protested against removing the bears from their natural Mandarin-speaking habitat to a multicultural Singlish-speaking one, believing that such a move would cause the animals great psychological trauma, cultural confusion and civilisational loss of “face”.

“Imagine  how awkward it would be for the two bears to re-adapt when they have to return to China in 10 years time. They won’t be able to speak proper Mandarin, or English for that matter. They won’t have any opinions of their own and would only want to shop their lives away. They would be pulverised by the other bears back home. We’re only weakening them by hosting them”, observed ACRES member, Dolphin Lim.

But Singaporeans won’t get to see these bears soon. They will arrive in the second half of 2011. They will have to be quarantined for stringent ISD checks to ensure they have no secret Falongung connections, as well as to be warned against violating their social visit visas by engaging in vice activities such as soliciting the moon or polar bears. After which, there would be a month of intensive broken-English training in order that they may understand local zookeepers.

There are also plans to offer these pandas PR status, in the hopes that they would later take up Singapore citizenship and sink their roots here. Singapore government spokesperson, Florence Tan, noted that “this is in keeping with the policy to attract the best foreign talent and to retain them”. There was some reported unhappiness among Southeast Asian animals like the Sumatran rhino, Indian elephant and Malayan tapir as to why they were not offered Singapore citizenship but they were promptly tranquilized before they could run amok.

Others were disappointed for different reasons. Head of the SPG Association, Tammy Worthington-Cheng, complained that, “it would be better to bring in more polar bears because they are bigger and whiter. Panda bears are so patchy and small….so cheena”.

The pandas will be located in a special area – a 1,600 sq-metre climate-controlled enclosure that is fully air-conditioned with temperature set between 18 and 22 degrees. “This is in keeping with how we treat our foreign talent” said Singapore Zoo Director Quah Liow Hor. Again local animals were heard grumbling of the special treatment but Mr Quah retorted, “the local animal gene pool is small, and unless we want the zoo to shrink, we have to accept and welcome foreign talent”.

But veteran zookeeper K Subramaniam had another take. He believed that the special enclosure was necessary because “PRC animals are noisy and very competitive and may create conflict with the local animal population, so it’s better to separate them lah. Scarly the female panda bear go and seduce the older local animals how? Wait got trouble then must shoot all of them how?”


3 Responses to “China to loan two pandas to Singapore for 10-year period”

  1. BL Says:

    This is freaking hilarious. Did you come up with this yourself or take it from 🙂

  2. A1 Says:

    Your skill in coming up with such an entertaining and hilarious article, making a dull subject into a fantastically interesting one, is a rare talent worth thousands of foreign talents imported to kiss the toes of the millionaire ministers.

  3. tim Says:

    this is sooooooo!!!!!!!!!!! cool btch

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