Singaporeans: Endangered Species

January 20, 2011

Singaporeans are on the decline. And it’s time we roll up our sleeves and do something about it. No more dicking around. It’s time we look to the experts. And I don’t mean cheap dating agencies or waste-of-money Singapore Dating Network. I’m talking about the real experts – the zoos!

The best zoos around the world have good animal breeding programmes with high return rates. Exotic and endangered animals are notoriously difficult to breed in captivity but, hey, if they can raise the number of American Condors, there may be hope yet for Singaporeans.

According to the International Union for the Conservation of Nature and Natural Resources there are several levels of animal endangerment.

Levels of Animal Endangerment

  Level Condition Animals
A Least Concerned Low risk of extinction Rats, hare, PRCs, Indian nationals
B Near Threatened Likely to be threatened Manta Ray, Maned wolf, The Online Citizen, Muarah, Think Centre
C Vulnerable High risk of extinction Columbian Spider Monkey, Alligator Gar, all opposition party members in Singapore
D Endangered Very high risk of extinction Leatherback turtle, the Green Turtle, Singaporean nurses and top local PSLE and O Level students
E Critically Endangered Extremely high risk of extinction Amur Leopard, Saiga Antelope, ordinary Singaporeans
F Extinct in Wild Alive only in captivity Tasmanian wolf, Caspian tiger, Mas Selamat
G Extinct Last individual died Dodo bird, local politicians with compassion

According to the late zoologist Dr Devra G. Kleiman there are several conditions that zoos and animal sanctuaries need for successful animal breeding. I propose the Singapore government studies them closely.

Condition #1: You need a self-sustaining captive population

Zoos need enough breeding stock to provide a surplus. For big animals, this requires a lot of space and also good genetic management.

What Singapore must do: Make sure only good-looking Singaporeans copulate. Issue COFs (Certificate for Fornication) to couples approved by Dick Lee, Florence Lian and Ken Lim. Couples who breed without COFs will shoulder big tax burdens and have their off-springs ‘volunteered’ as future YOG food-tasters.

Condition #2: You require a suitable amount of protected habitat.

Zoos need to conduct field studies to determine the amount and type of habitat required by new population. A “wild” model is necessary to establish suitable conditions for release and population must be protected from whatever caused its previous decline

What Singapore must do: A suitable Singaporean habitat would be to convert the whole island into Takashimaya. Under such conditions, Singaporeans may be observed in their natural habitat as they graze and roam. To prevent future decline of animal stock, we have to create a stress-free environment. No mention of PSLE, COE, NS, HDB, MRT, ERP, PAP is allowed.

Condition #3: Have effective techniques to prepare animals for reintroduction

Zoos have to train re-introductees prior to release into predator environments. They have to teach animals how to find and interact properly with potential mates, and to find/construct shelter.

What Singapore must do: Make it compulsory for Singaporeans to laminate and wear their university degrees around their necks. This will help attract the right mates. To find shelter, learn how to say “first time buyer”.


3 Responses to “Singaporeans: Endangered Species”

  1. patriot Says:

    It will be easier for procreation to be the duties of the Sin political leaders make-up of the bestest talented elites and the rest of Singaporeans to be worker bees or ants.
    They(leaders) will then produce calibres that will one day in the near future manage and control the Universe.


  2. genghis Says:

    utterly hilarious.

    under habitat, however, i feel you should have mentioned that you cant breed humans in pigeon holes. hence, bigger flats, more space between blocks of flats, empty spaces for roaming outside are needed. as such mickey mouse flats have to
    immediately put into the dustbin and replaced with proper accomodation three times the size.

  3. The Pariah Says:

    Singapore should just import defective condoms!

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