Mailbag Day: #1

November 9, 2009

mail-bag

Dear Mr groundnotes,

I love your blog! It really helps me with my bulimia. Now I no longer have to stick my fingers down my throat after a Happy Meal; I just read your writing and it all comes out as easy as pie (literally). Anyway, enough of the admiration. Need your advice. I have a huge red rash on my inner thigh that doesn’t seem to go away. It itches like hell and its killing my love life. Also, my GF wants me to buy her a LV bag which costs $800. Saw the exact same thing in Bugis Street for $40…should I even tempt fate?

Yours truly,

Skinny, itchy and stingy

Dear Skinny, itchy and stingy

You’re a guy and you have bulimia. You don’t need a GF, you’re gay. Problem solved, $40 saved.

groundnotes

Dear groundnotes,

Been reading your stuff for about a year now. It’s just another crap site in a long line of liberal rubbish. The PAP can’t do anything right, the opposition are the best thing since sliced bread, yadayadayada… When will you arm-chair critics realize that globalization has changed the rules of the game? We need to stay focused, united and cohesive. Unless you want to go the way of Indonesia or Malaysia, it’s time we stop all this fashionable crap about needing more opposition, get behind our leaders and steer our ship to calmer waters. I know smart arses like you will think me conservative but you don’t have a helicopter view of the world.

Yours not-so-sincerely,

Don’t-know-what-you’ve-got-till-its-gone

Dear Don’t-know-what-you’ve-got-till-its-gone,

You sound angry. Consulted my psychiatrist friend. He says you’ve got a classic case of Cinderellalitis. It stems from an irrational love for 80s soft rock and a fetish for big hair. Then, just like the music industry, you quickly find that life has moved on. Panic wells inside as you realize you no longer fit into your black PVC trousers and leopard print vest. You grow bitter as rock geniuses like Cinderella, Skid Row and Poison are now whispered in the same way you whisper “I love under-aged boys”. You puzzle over why youngsters love Beyonce and Black Eyed Peas and pray for the day they discover the wonders of Motley Crue. You see, the root of your bitterness is the belief that you alone recognize genius music and anyone who doesn’t share your taste is a tone-deaf politically naïve monkey. Rock on.

groundnotes

Dear Groundnotes,

First of all, yes, I capitalized your ‘g’ because it’s plain wrong to have a lower-case ‘g’. It shows a lack of breeding. Second, and more importantly, I’m penning this email to lodge a sincere protest against your “SDN: State’s Dating Nanny” post. You are generally mildly funny, but when you show so much disrespect to us civil servants who selflessly put our lives on the line for a better future, you have, well, crossed that line. If you’re half as intelligent as you think you are you’ll know that civil servants are caught between a rock and hard place. On one hand we have to materialize the flimsy visions of Ministers and Perm Secs, and make them look good when they report to Mount Olympia, on the other, we get caricatured as conservative, boring and nerdy by the likes of you and other artsy fartsy types. Well, f**k you. We’ve had enough. There’s no shame in having Ben & Jerry’s for company on a Saturday night.

Yours faithfully,

Angry Civil Servant

Dear Angry Civil Servant,

I apologise for being disrespectful. It was never my intent to pour scorn on your tireless behind-the-scenes effort. But like ‘heartlanders’, ‘ah bengs’ and ‘SPGs’, civil servants are comic gold in Singapore. I’ll endeavour to rise above my baser instincts and avoid the path of least resistance. Glad you’re a B&J fan. Me too! Have you tried the new flavours? Caramel Civil Servant Chew: a plain vanilla flavour with a bitter aftertaste, or Minister Berry Swirl: an overwhelmingly rich chocolate ice cream with an empty core, or Scholar Raspberry: a very strong alcoholic fudge too good to mix with other flavours?

groundnotes

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